I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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