Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
