You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
