Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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