you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
