i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
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Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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