I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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