I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
