Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
