The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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