i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Randomize
