I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
