He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
