I'm laying in your front yard are you home
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
