I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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