What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
