is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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