i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
