Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize