Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
