Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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