There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
