Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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