I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
