I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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