im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
