pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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