my vag is so smooth its legendary
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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