The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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