The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
