I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
