I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
