Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
