so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
