on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
