She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
