Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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