I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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