I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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