Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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