So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
