i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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