omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
