My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
