You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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