Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
