i need an iv and a liver transplant
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
