I wish they made helmets for livers.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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