I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
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