what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You left your phone here
Wait...
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
