I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
