if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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