Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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