non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
not ubering you a puppy
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
