You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
