There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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