my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
It's Friday. Sex?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?