You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.