then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
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The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.