just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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