Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
